Art by Mike David
Dear Goat Man,
I’m glad I’m finally here. That bus ride sucked. When they said this place was in the middle of nowhere, they meant it.
I’m pretty sure Mom and Dad picked the furthest summer camp they could find. They must still be mad about the incident with the curtains. They’re probably laughing at me right now while sipping old fashioneds on the back porch.
I’ll be sleeping in one of the camp’s sketchy old cabins. I have seven roommates. The kid in the bunk above me smells like cabbage. It’s not ideal.
I wish you could’ve come with me, but I guess you have to stay in one place. “Spatially locked,” I think is how you put it.
On the bright side, I found a closet where I can practice my rituals without being interrupted. I got some weird looks when I unpacked my candles and my robe. One kid, Connor, wished me a happy Halloween.
Oh, by the way, thanks for teaching me how to do a “Sending” (is that what it’s called?). It feels kind of old school, like writing a letter, except with extra steps. I almost forgot to put those symbols in the corner of the parchment.
This place seems like it’ll be boring as—I was going to say Hell, but from what you’ve told me, Hell is anything but boring. Maybe I can practice some of those incantations you taught me. Otherwise, it’s gonna be a long two weeks.
Sincerely yours,
Billy
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Dear Billy,
Good to hear from you, kiddo! I’m glad you’ve mastered the art of Sending. I think of it like email, but more elegant.
Things aren’t quite the same here without you. I’m going to miss our evening chats, your good-natured humor, your unique insights on mortal life. And, of course, scaring the shit out of you.
In your absence, I’ve decided to begin haunting your little sister, Christy. Seeing as she’s only four, I expect it won’t be too difficult.
Re: incantations—by all means, keep practicing! Just be sure to keep away from anything flammable. We don’t want you flambéing any more curtains. And remember what I’ve always said, it’s all about presentation.
Sincerely,
G-Man
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Dear Goat Man,
I think I might have made a bad first impression.
We were telling spooky stories around the campfire. The other kids took turns telling the usual stuff—ghosts, haunted houses, alien abductions, slenderman, et cetera. Ooh, I’m terrified.
Then it was my turn. I remembered the stories you told me about your home. I figured I’d adapt a few of them, change the names, maybe exaggerate a bit for dramatic effect.
Hoo boy. I honestly didn’t expect so much crying. Who knew a little cosmic horror and existential dread could upset kids so badly? The one about your old friend Beelzebub really set them off. A bunch of kids ran away to their bunks. At least three peed themselves.
Now the kids give me even weirder looks than before. And I’m not allowed to tell campfire stories anymore.
Sincerely yours,
Billy
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Dear Billy,
Don’t worry about those kids—they clearly can’t appreciate the finer points of the demon realm.
I have begun the process of terrifying Christy. It is not going well. She does not respond to the traditional methods. I’ve popped out of the closet, jumped out from under the bed… I’ve even taken the form of her favorite teddy bear, spinning its head around and winking at her. Nothing.
Usually she smiles and waves at me. Once, she appeared to flip me off (I wonder where she learned that, young man!). Last night, she even giggled at me. At me, a chief demon of the fifth level! You wound me, Christy.
Clearly, I must change my approach. This shouldn’t be this difficult.
Sincerely,
Your Favorite Sleep Paralysis Demon
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Dear Goat Man,
I went kayaking today. My friends Connor, Mike, and Vicky challenged me to a race.
The current carried us around the bend to where the creek widens. When we were out of sight of the rest of the kids, we started playing a game called “bumper boats.” You play bumper boats by ramming your kayak into other people’s kayaks. I got the worst of it. My friends teamed up on me, bumping into my kayak from either side, rocking it back and forth. I have to admit, it was kind of fun. We were all laughing it up when my kayak got tipped over.
I was upside down in the water, jerking my body around, trying to flip myself upright. Wishing I had done more of those ab workouts Mr. Hodak showed us in gym class. Eventually, I gave up on flipping the kayak and tried to wriggle my body free from the boat. Gross creek water flooded into my nose, reminding me of when I snorted chocolate milk in the cafeteria last year. I must say, I preferred the chocolate milk.
Somehow, I worked my legs free of the kayak and swam to the surface. After I finished gasping for air, I looked around and saw that my friends were gone. They must’ve gotten called back to the dock while I was underwater.
Later, I ran into them in the cafeteria. They asked how I liked playing bumper boats. I told them I still had water in my ears. We all had a good laugh about it. Mike said it “builds character,” whatever that means.
Sincerely yours,
Billy
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Dear Billy,
Bumper boats sound a lot like a game we played in my youth, on the Styx.
I’m glad you’re making some human friends.
Things have been quiet here. When I haven’t been unsuccessfully haunting Christy, I’ve spent my nights exploring the house. Man, your parents’ TV is nice. I was flipping through the channels and I came across one of those “televangelists” of yours. I remembered seeing his name on a list back home. The Big Man Downstairs has something special planned for him when the time comes. Fire and brimstone, indeed.
I’ve also taken the liberty of sampling your parents’ wine collection. It is superb. Though I typically prefer beverages with a higher haemoglobin content, if you catch my drift. The merlot, in particular, pairs well with live animal sacrifices. On a related note, sorry about the cat. You know me, I get hangry.
Sincerely,
The G.O.A.T. Man
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Dear Goat Man,
It’s okay about the cat. I never liked it anyway.
We went on a hike today. The counselors had us split up into groups of four. Connor, Mike, and Vicky picked me for their group.
We were walking through the woods for a while, I’m not sure how long, when we spotted a tunnel in a hillside just off the path. Must’ve been part of an abandoned mine or something. My friends dared me to go down it. Vicky said she’d hug me if I did. I couldn’t say no.
I walked down the tunnel for a little while, tripping over rocks and debris. I guess I should’ve been scared, but compared to the stuff you’ve shown me, this was nothing. I called to my friends a couple times, and they encouraged me to keep going.
I could hardly see anything by the time I got to the end of the tunnel. It was just a big pile of rocks. How disappointing.
When I came out of the tunnel, there was no one there.
I figured it out—I’d been pranked! I couldn’t help laughing. Oh boy, they got me good! Sending me on a wild goose chase and then running off. Brilliant!
Then I realized I had no idea where I was.
The forest next to the camp is pretty big. It goes on for miles, getting thicker and darker the further you go. Even though I was on the trail, it took me hours to find my way back to camp. I think I took a couple wrong turns when the path forked.
It was dark when I got back. The counselors yelled at me for scaring them to death. If a kid being gone for a few hours is enough to scare them to death, remind me not to introduce them to you.
I saw Mike and Connor on my way back to the cabins. They grinned at me, and I smiled back. “Good one!” I called. They laughed and went inside their cabin.
I was too excited to sleep tonight. I lay in my bunk, ignoring the smell of cabbage from above, going over the spells you taught me and plotting ways to get back at my friends.
I can’t wait for tomorrow.
Sincerely yours,
Billy
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Dear Billy,
Ah, the joys of pranks! Makes me nostalgic for my own youth, all those aeons ago.
I’m sure you’ll come up with something good for your friends. But please, nothing like the stunt you pulled on Mr. Meeks from down the street last year.
Christy has made passing remarks about her friend “Go-Man” to your parents. Believing me to be her imaginary friend, they smile and pat her head and then return to their mundane prattling. Their obtuseness makes me wish I could haunt them, instead. If only I could manifest to adults! Alas, the adult mind is clouded with worldly concerns, leaving no room for my kind to slip in.
Enjoy your unencumbered young mind while you can, my friend.
Sincerely,
Goaty McGoatface
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Dear Goat Man,
I got up early today so I could perform my morning incantations to prep for today’s pranks. Speaking of which, I’m glad no one’s stumbled upon my closet yet. If someone saw a pentagram on the floor with all those runes and candles and stuff, there’d be a lot of awkward questions.
After breakfast we went fishing at the pond. I remembered Vicky talking about how much she wanted a nose piercing, so I had her give herself one with a fishhook. A simple mind control spell, only enough to last a few seconds, but it got the job done. I’m sure her parents will love her new look.
In the afternoon we went to the archery range. It was a lot of fun, especially when I made Connor wander in front of the targets while the counselors weren’t looking. Good thing Mike’s such a terrible shot, otherwise Connor would have a hole in his head instead of his lower thigh. Those arrowheads are sharper than you think.
I saw my three friends at the campfire tonight. They looked pretty scared. When they were roasting marshmallows, they seemed afraid that they would explode in their hands. As if I would stoop that low.
If only they knew what I have planned for them next.
Sincerely yours,
Billy
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Dear Billy,
Saw Mr. Meeks today. Good news, he’s out of his wheelchair!
I have other good news as well: I finally scared your sister.
Here’s how I did it.
I waited until she was almost asleep. Drifting off into dreamland, but still tethered to the waking world. That’s where I thrive. But you already know that. Anyway, as her eyes were fluttering shut, I leaned over her, swelling myself up as big as I could get. I took the form of all of her nightmares at once. Stuff I’ve gleaned from looking into her dreams, prying into her subconscious mind. I tell you, for a four-year-old, there’s some wild stuff in there.
I presented myself as a floating tetrahedron, flitting from one horrifying shape to the next in a matter of seconds. There were images of bad experiences—scoldings from your parents, wetting herself in preschool. There were monsters, demons more terrible than myself, formless things characterized only by a vague sensation of dread. Where does she come up with this stuff?
I intensified my shapeshifting and spoke to her in her half-awake state.
Hey, Christy.
Her eyes snapped open.
I then transformed into the scariest monster in her imagination. It was based on a cartoon she saw on a cereal box, of all things. It had wormed its way into her mind and evolved into something beyond terrible, with dripping fangs, razor claws, and a wild mane of dark fur. In the form of the creature, I worked my jaws into a wide grin.
You didn’t say goodnight to me, I growled.
She screamed. It was one of those groggy, terrified screams that barely makes any sound, when you’re not sure if you’re awake or dreaming and you can’t move your limbs because I’ve immobilized them and you just want to cry for help, to make any noise at all, but nothing comes out. I know you know the feeling. When I allowed her to regain full consciousness, she broke out into sobs. I resumed my normal form and stood at the foot of her bed.
Her crying intensified, growing louder. I leaned in, concerned that I may have overdone it. Then she removed her hands from her face, and I could see her mouth was split in a huge smile. She saw me, and her eyes lit up.
“Again! Again!” she shrieked, clapping her hands.
I took a bow. A bravura performance, if I may say so.
Sincerely,
One Baaad Man
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Dear Goat Man,
I’m glad you finally got Christy. It might sound cheesy, but I’ve been wanting to introduce her to you. As her big brother, I feel like I should share stuff with her—in this case, my cool demon friend.
With camp ending in a couple days, I’ve been busy pranking Connor, Mike, and Vicky.
I tried out that hallucination spell you showed me. I figured, while they were walking around camp and no one else was looking, I’d make them see ghosts. First, I had them see an old lunch lady with an apron and a kitchen knife. Then, I conjured an image of a big dude in a hockey mask (you know how much I love Friday the 13th). At some point, I think the spells got crossed up or something, because they started seeing a lady in an apron wearing a hockey mask. Which was probably just as scary, but still. They told the counselors about the ghosts, but of course no one believed them. Now, the other kids go “woo woo” every time one of them walks into a room.
On the second-to-last night, we had a talent show. I had to back out of doing my “magic tricks”—I’d been doing enough spells already!
When Connor, Mike, and Vicky came onstage to sing “Wagon Wheel” (how original), I cast that neat confusion spell you taught me. Turns out, “Wagon Wheel” isn’t as catchy when you’re speaking in tongues. (“Rock me ghiaoenvk like a daghiopahfioah”—you get the idea). The judges gave them bad scores for showing off.
Then, on the last day, the whole camp played capture the flag.
After we broke up into teams and went into the woods, I put the “lost time” hex on the three of them. While the rest of us ran around tagging each other and having a ball, my three friends went on a little side trip. Hours later, when the game was over, they stumbled out of the woods—clothes torn and filthy, hair all messed up—raving about how they were lost in the forest for days and they never thought they’d see other people again and blah, blah, blah. From the look in their eyes, I could tell they were beyond terrified.
How desperate did they get? Did they eat bugs? Did they drink their own pee? I don’t really want to know, but at the same time I kind of do.
After the campfire, when we were walking back to our cabins, I chased them down. I asked them how their walk in the woods went. They were still pretty shellshocked at that point—they just mumbled a bit.
“Good,” I said. “You know, stuff like that…”
I then transformed my face briefly into the lunch lady, then Jason V., then settled on yours.
“…builds character,” I finished in a deep growl, like the one you used to do when you first started haunting me.
You should’ve seen their faces. They couldn’t believe it was me the whole time! They just stood there, mouths open, looking like they’d just discovered true fear for the first time. You know the look.
“Hahaha!” I couldn’t contain my laughter. “Gotcha! You guys were so scared!”
They didn’t seem to find it funny. I guess pranks, like all humor, are—what did you call it? Subjective, that’s the word. Anyway, I told them how much I enjoyed playing our little practical jokes on each other, and guess what? I invited them all for a sleepover next week! They agreed right away. “Anything you want, Billy,” they said. They seemed really eager to please me.
I can’t wait to introduce them to you and Christy.
Sincerely yours,
Billy
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Dear Billy,
Re: the hallucination spell—I think what happened was you mixed up the syntax. It should be “aleph, teth, daleth,” not “daleth, aleph, teth.” A common mistake—we’ll work on it.
What an inventive mix of enchantments you used! You are truly on your way to rivaling the best of the mortal spellsmiths. I’m so proud of you.
Looking forward to seeing you and meeting your new friends! I’ve been brainstorming with Christy—she’s my new “partner in crime.” She and I have a special scare planned for you when you get home.
Your Friend,
Goat Man
Jon Clendaniel is a writer of speculative fiction from western Pennsylvania. His work has appeared in Illustrated Worlds, Flash Point Science Fiction, and Shelter of Daylight, among others. When not writing, he can usually be found watching obscure horror movies or buying way too many used paperbacks. You can find him at jonclendaniel.com.